My Life As Clay

I am just as guilty as the next guy, of asking kids incessantly, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” While I have spent my 35 3/4 years on earth searching for a clear understanding of the one thing that I am to be, I am realizing how misleading that question truly is. For there is not one thing to be, but many things that God may call us to do, often with different titles. 

Instead of being a created once from a slab of clay into a single vessel with a single purpose, I have reached a point where I am coming to understand that I haven’t so much been made, as I am continually being made and re-shaped by God. 

I am a continuing creation. I am squishy clay in my Father’s hands, more than a solid, permanent vessel. In my squishiness, I am able to give my life freely to Him and allow Him to shape it for His many purposes for my life, all of which are His divine calling for me. So, although my vocational titles have changed throughout my life, my purpose has not. I am to allow God to create me and my life.

In my younger years, I was what you might call a "quitter". I begged to be in dance class, and then complained and quit after a few weeks. I joined band, but never saw a concert. (Unless that epic jam session on my friend Crystal's back porch the day we got our clarinet and flute counts.) If you combined the time that I spent in volleyball and track, then it might add up to a complete season. I could go on and on.

Thankfully, I had a mom who either a) saw my deep wisdom in trying many things in order to find my gifts, or b) knew it was pointless to argue with her passionate, emotional, vocal, headstrong daughter and prayed I'd turn out alright. Whichever it was, my mom had the wisdom to accept this part of me. Even as a I went through boyfriends quicker than I care to admit, my mom would always says, "It's good. You are just figuring out what you want in life." I pray for this type of wisdom in parenting my own children.

There is a distinct moment in my life as a high-school student when I stood next to my mother in worship singing the song, “Here I am Lord”. For the first time in my life, that song became the prayer of my heart rather than simply lyrics that I echoed. I had heard God calling me to surrender my life. I had felt God and seen evidence in my life of how He had rescued me and carried me through tough situations, protecting me all the while. In high school, as I explored my own personal faith, and as I grew to understand more of the character of God, I always knew it was Him who was calling me and carrying me.

So, as I stood and sang those words, “I will  go, Lord. Where you lead me,” my life was different. My purpose was to follow, to be led. I didn’t have a picture of my future, I didn’t know what lay ahead, but I knew that  the safest place to be was in the center of God’s will for my life. So, I followed.

First, I followed to Illinois State University, where I earned a degree that enabled me to become an elementary school teacher. I had always felt that I was born to be a teacher, that God had molded me to be just that. I had been so inspired by teachers in my life, and I felt a call to pour into the lives of others. I recognized the passion and gift that I had been given to work with children, and it all made perfect sense. 

God made me to be a teacher.

Until there wasn’t a position for me my second year of teaching and I was in a position to figure out my next step in life. With my husband and 9-year old step-daughter, we decided it was time to begin growing our family, and God led me beautifully into a career as home daycare provider. Not only could I be home to raise my own children, but I was able to teach pre-school to the other children in my care and pour into their families. It was an occupation and a ministry, and once again, I felt that I had arrived at my life’s purpose. I was created, molded, made to be a teacher, but for pre-school children and in my own home.

God made me to be a daycare provider.

And then, after 10 years in that profession, 2 more biological children, several foster children, and eventually 3 adopted children, God began calling my heart again, and this time He was met with some questions. I felt like I was back at step one, squishy, unformed clay rather than a purposefully formed vessel.

God, have I been hearing you wrong?

Why am I not staying where I feel you call me?

What did you make me to be?

Living in those questions, I sought hard after God. I studied, I read, I listened. I took classes and joined in discussions. I thought if I just knew Him better, I would finally figure out my calling.

Within that time, God began placing bread crumbs in my reading and studying that led me to explore the possibility of missional life, including life in a third-world country. This call could not have felt more out of place, but once again, I knew I must follow where He led me. Talk about being squishy clay in the Potter’s hand! We had no clue how this would happen or what it would look like logistically, but following step-by-step led to an incredible journey where God used us, stretched us and changed us. In that setting our purpose was clear as we served and lived.

God made me to be a missionary. 

Well, that is, until it was clear that our time would be limited to one year.

I returned home, once again unsure of my purpose, feeling like I had been wrong all along. As friends neared the 15 year mark in their steady careers, I was moving on once again.

Once again, there I sat, squishy clay; unformed, unmade, wondering what God was creating and begging Him to get it done with already.

That was almost a year ago, and now, as God has placed seminary on my heart, I have had even more questions for Him. I don’t yet know where this journey will lead me vocationally, or what it will look like to be a student as well as a wife and mother, but I know it will be used.

God doesn't waste a thing. He has used every single part of my journey to grow me and prepare me for the next thing. He has used it all to bless me, to give me perspective, and to show me my deep need for Him.

As I look around from where I stand now, I realize though, that I am not simply a squishy ball of clay. What has looked and felt disjointed to me, has been my calling all along. To follow, to learn, to grow, and to be ready to follow God wherever it is that He calls me next.

I may never celebrate more than 10 years in a single career, but I pray to have the same faith and wisdom that my mom had with me as a child.