Oh, One More Thing Worth Mentioning :-)

Our neighbor, who is about 8 months pregnant came over today. Jasmine and Halie were fascinated by her belly. We talked about how there was a little baby girl growing in there and Halie just kept asking, "Why?" Well, that's just how babies grow...That's the way God made it...Their family is going to have a new baby soon...I wasn't sure what answer she was looking for.
Then, my neighbor left and Halie looked at me, rubbed my belly, and said, "Mommy, I want you to grow a baby in your belly, too!"
Hahaha! I don't think so. Seven kids, all walking and potty trained is more my speed. Thank you very much.

Any Thoughts?

The kids had their "final" visit with their biological parents last Monday. They really are such sweet people. Both Mom and Dad (and the supervisor from DCFS) got to take the kids to the zoo in town, play at a park and have a snack at McDonald's. Mom and Dad took lots of pictures and just had fun playing with the kiddos. The kids were excited to see them, but nervous at the same time. I don't think they completely understand who these people are. They have had visits with them on and off for the past year, but still, it's confusing to them.
I had the opportunity to take a family picture of all 5 of them together. Mom was grateful and said that they never had a picture taken with all of them together. I can't wait to send them to her. She also gave me a photo album of all the pictures that she has of the kids as babies. What an amazing gift that is. So many adopted kids don't have photos of their lives before adoption, and really struggle with that later in life. I am beyond excited to have photos of Jasmine when she was born, Brice as an infant and when he had surgery on his skull at 11 months old, and Halie as an adorable, chubby faced baby.
This week we will meet with the adoption caseworker to see what the next step in the process is. I am excited to meet her and to move forward. Even if it's just filling our papers, at least it's something for me to do while we wait the 6 months until it's final.
I also am trying to schedule a time to meet with a few people who are experienced in all things adoption to get advice on a few issues. I have read several adoption books, but just as it is with parenting, each child and each situation is different from the next, so I feel like a brand new parent all over again. Each decision feels so critical, and I feel like I have too much control and not enough information to make the right choices.
A few of the things we are muddling through are...

• How much contact do we want the kids to have with their biological parents and family now and throughout life? This is completely up to Dave and I to decide. The parents don't have rights to the children at all, but still, what is the Christian response? What is best for the children? and Why do I feel called to minister to the parents as well? Shouldn't we love them unconditionally and be examples of Christ's love as long as it is not detrimental to the kids at all?
• Should we begin counseling for the kids right away? Although we don't see any direct need for counseling right now, and the kids seem too young to receive any benefit from it, we also don't want to wait until we see problems. What is the right way to be proactive? Is introducing another stranger to the kids right now and expecting them to open up to him or her a good idea? Should we wait 6 month or so and let family life and school life become routine before starting anything new with them?
• There are so many new people in the kids' lives that I know it is confusing. A new house, new church, new schools, etc. In each new environment there are new groups of people to meet. We also have several different people who watch our kids on occasion. I just don't know how to live life without the kids meeting so many people! Although Halie has not been able to put anyting into words, she has acted out for all of our baby-sitters and in the nursery and Sunday school class at church. We have decided that we will only have Lindsay, my daycare assistant, watch the kids until we become more settled, since she is the most familiar with them, but what about church? Do I pull Halie from Sunday school? Do we not introduce the kids to our close friends and family? Or, do we just get through this "meeting new people phase" knowing that the kids will learn to differentiate our friends from our acquaintances?

These are not small issues. Although I am confident that God will lead me, and I am seeking His will in this entire adoption journey, I still find myself feeling inadequate. Just like in parenting from infancy, I wish there was a guide book that applied to each child specifically. You know what? I just finished reading Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover, and I loved it. Dave Ramsey is a financial planner/expert who is just so confident in his method of paying off debt, living completely debt free and accumulating millions of dollars in wealth. He gives simple "baby steps" to follow and advises to just stick with the steps, in order. Don't veer from the path that he has laid out because it is the path to success. He all but guarantees the life of a milliionaire if you just follow these simple steps. That is what I want, a book that has easy to follow, easy to implement "Baby Steps to Successful Parenting." I want someone to say, here it is, the steps to take and when to take them.
Parenting is definately a journey like no other.

In case you didn't see it on Facebook...

We celebrated becoming a family of 9 at Chuck E. Cheese tonight!

Bittersweet

Last Wednesday, I traveled over to Champaign for our termination hearing. This is the time in court when parents are told that they are out of chances and that their parental rights will be no more. At that time, the parents can surrender their rights (sign a paper allowing their children to be adopted) or they can request that it goes to trial.
I was fairly confident that the biological dad was planning on surrendering his rights, but my last conversation with biological mom (a week ago at the kids' visit), had me thinking that she was wanting to take it to trial. She told me actually that she wanted to go to trial. Not in a mean way at all, just very matter-of-fact, "I'm not going to surrender, I'm going to have a trial." This conversation occured the very first time that I met mom, and what I had been anticipating as a wondefully powerful moment of meeting this woman who gave birth to these amazing children actually turned into a gut-wrenching experience. How do you respond to a woman who is very kind and gentle, but simply does not understand that she has run out of chances to parent her children.
Well, I responded in the only way I knew how. I smiled and nodded and left as quickly as I could. The kids had a nice visit with her, and I just waited for them to be dropped back off at home. Now, I  knew that she didn't have a chance at getting them back. I knew that she was losing her rights one way or the other, but just thinking about dragging this out through a trial was a devastating thought.

Fast forward to last Wednesday. As I sat outside the courtroom waiting for the hearing to begin, I saw a man that I recognized from pictures as "dad" approaching. I immediately jumped up and introduced myself. Mom was not far behind him. We all shook hands and chatted and mom asked how the kids were doing. I was so happy for the kids when she asked. I was so glad that when they ask about their mom I can say, with confidence and a specific example, that mom loved them and cared so much about their lives. I made sure to tell her some fun details about each of them, and she and dad were so glad to hear all that I had to share.
I asked them each about work and school, and they were so excited to share with me all that they are working on and their goals for the future. They are the sweetest people, really. It's weird to say that, but they are just so innocent and immature. They love their kids so much, they just don't know how to be parents.
I feel for them. I wonder how their lives may have had different outcomes if someone had loved them unconditionally and had given them the opportunities to learn and grow that they deserved.
Then, their lawyers arrived and casually said, "So, we have the surrender documents. Do either of you have any questions?" My heart broke for them, but they were just so casual about it. Then mom told me that it was a really hard day for her. "I can not even imagine," is all I could say. Then, we headed into court.

It was true. Both mom and dad made a difficult, but awesome decision to allow the kids to be adopted.


Talk about a bittersweet moment. As I sat in the courtroom and listened to the questions..."Do you understand that by signing these papers you will no longer have any rights regarding these children? Even if you change your mind 5 minutes from now, this can never be undone. Do you understand?"... my heart broke for them while at the same time it pounded in excitement for our family and this new beginning.

So, the kids are officially adoptable. The process is underway, and the adoption court date is set for March 25th.
God is so good to us!

Thick Skin

Some bloggers quote Bible verses, and someday, I hope to be one of those bloggers, but today, I quote my fortune cookie.
"Happiness is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it."
Alright, so all is truly going very well. We are having so much fun with our new, big family, as I have mentioned before. But, so much of it is a matter of perspective, I think.

For example, Halie has said the following to me in the last week:

"I will hide in a place where you will never find me and I won't have to go home with you."

said to Grandma Nancy "I don't want them to be my Mommy and Daddy."

"I want my Mommy...and it's NOT you."

Normally, I think that those comments might hurt a little bit. Instead of letting it hurt me, or even feel like it has anything to do with me, I am grateful that she feels comfortable enough to express her feelings openly and honestly. We sit together, Halie and I,  and talk about how much "we" miss Grandma and how "we" think that it would be nice to go there every day. We often look at her picture book from the past year as well as the pictures from the "send off party" that we had there last Friday.

For years I have prayed for God to be working in my heart, helping to prepare me for our adoption journey. I prayed that he would mold me into the foster/adoptive mom that He needed me to be for whatever kids he had planned for us. Now, I thank God that he did just that. He has given me an abundance of little hugs and kisses and "Mommy, you're the best!"s to help thicken my skin for the "You're not my Mommy!"s.

I am so grateful for the process and the faith that I have that God is using it all for good.

Making Macaroni Wrapped in a Prayer Shawl

I know that we can't live in the "mountain top moments" all of our lives, but boy, I would like it if we could. On Friday morning, when I got the call saying that we could pick up Jasmine for good, I couldn't contain myself. I was jumping up and down...really, I was...Becca was there to see it! The children that I had been praying for for years, ("God, I lift up to you my children. All of the children that you have planned for my family. Whoever and wherever they are, I pray that you hold them in your arms and protect them until I can do that and so much more."), were finally under one roof, and I was praying with them. Amazing day! For me it truly felt just like the day that each of my biological children were born...but without the pain, sleepless nights and hospital stay. :)

A dear friend told me that I was "glowing". Just right for a new mom.
Another great friend wrote on my facebook, "The only thing better than reading about this was getting to see your face when you told me in person!!!! I wish I had a picture of that for you:)"

I wish I could bottle that day up to save forever, but here I sit, on a new day, making macaroni and cheese for the kids while wrapped in the prayer shawl I was given at church today. Back to the laundry and cleaning and meal making that I call life. Don't get me wrong...I love it all, and I am blessed beyond anything I ever imagined for my life, I just feel myself heading down from that mountain top bit by bit. It reminds me that life goes on and after spending some time in pure joy and fulfillment, the rest of life always goes back to just plain normal. I take tons of pictures and journal about it all so that on some of those normal days, I can go back and grab a piece of the experience.
In one of my favorite Rob Bell videos, he compares life to a hospital. In one room a new baby brings ultimate joy, in another someone dies and grieving begins. Although we spend some time in each of those rooms at one point or another in life, we spend most of our time in the hallways. In between the peaks and the valleys. Living normal days.

So, before I forget all of the glorious details, here is how the went on Friday, September 10, 2010, when I went to pick up my 7th child, and our family was finally complete. (Disclaimer: Unless God has other plans of course, but in my heart and mind, we are complete.)

On Thursday evening I had the honor of driving Dave and my father, Ron, out to East Bay camp for a Great Banquet Retreat Weekend. This, in itself, felt like a mountain top experience as Dave was giving his first ever "talk" and never in my wildest dreams did I think that my father would attend a spiritual retreat. Over a year ago, God was nudging me to invite my dad, and I kept telling Him no. I had a million excuses why my dad would not be interested, and why he was just not the right person. So, God did what He does best. He turned from a gentle nudge to an in my face, "I'm not asking you, Cara. I am telling you!" So, I did it, I asked my dad, he said yes, and now he is there having what sounds like a great weekend. I'll know more tonight when I go to pick them up. :)

But, the reason I mention that is because I drove them to the camp and I left them there for the weekend, which meant I was solo parenting 5 kids Friday-Sunday. Survivable, but not ideal.

Lindsay, my amazing daycare assistant, came in early because I had a meeting scheduled at Prairieland to discuss how Brice was adjusting and how we could help him succeed in kindergarten. I ended up bringing Wren with me to the meeting and to hear Dave's talk just so that she could have some extra "mom time". Dave's talk was to be at 9:15, so Pastor Becca picked us up from the school and we drove out to East Bay from there. As we got close to camp, on this beautiful, clear, sunny, 70ish degree morning, we looked up near a cloud, and there was a tiny baby rainbow just hanging there. God sends rainbows to remind us that he keeps all of his promises. I didn't know it yet, but God was about to make good on a promise that I had been doubting since our first adoption was unsuccessful.
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28

Dave was nervous and excited for his talk, "Discovering Priorities", but he was happy to see us. We prayed for him before his talk, and it was just such a special time. It was one of those moments where I was just so proud to call him my husband. He went off to give his talk, and we were able to remain in the chapel and listen as he spoke. He gave the talk that God wanted him to give. Dave was such a wonderful extension of God as he spoke.
Then, I noticed the missed call on my phone. Dave was on his way back to the chapel, so I decided to wait to call her back.
Dave came in, we prayed him down from his talk, and then he went to change into more comfortable clothes. Becca was gone, too. I think she went to raid the snack table! ;-p
As I stood with just Wren in the chapel, I called my voicemail and heard the message I have been waiting since July to hear. "The waiver is complete, and you can pick up Jasmine anytime to transfer her to your home!"
I yelled, I jumped, Wren looked at my like I was nuts! I ran down the hall to find someone to tell. Becca was just coming back through the door and it was so fun to share my excitement with her. She has prayed us through so much. The day that Brandon, Monay and Kia, were adopted by another person, Becca was the one who sat with us and prayed. She has been praying with and for us ever since then.
Then, I ran into tell Dave. He was just done changing and I said, "We get to keep Jasmine! The waiver is done!!!!" His response, "that's cool." I can't even capitalize it because he was so mellow about it. :) I think he was on overload from the weekend and the adrenalive rush from having just given his talk. But, that was it. He went back up to the retreat, I headed home to prepare my heart and mind for Jasmine's permanent arrival.
The rest of the day for me went by in a blur. Daycare was open, and the plan was to get Jasmine that evening, so I scurried around the house, unable to focus or relax all day.
We headed to Danville, IL, to get Jasmine around 4pm.
Although Halie, in a time of missing her former foster parents, had told me, "When we go back to Grandma Nancy's, I am going to hide somewhere where you can never find me!", we still decided that we would all go back to the house where they have lived the past year of their lives, the place they consider home. When we arrived, Jasmine ran out to give hugs to everyone and many family members and friends were there to greet the kids. They had spent the afternoon blowing up balloons, and preparing for the "sending off" party. What I had feared might end up being a tough time for Halie was nothing but a complete blessing. I will share many more details and pictures of that soon. For now though, it was just a perfect ending to a perfect day. As I carried each of my kids into the house, fast asleep, one at a time, I thanked God over and over for keeping his promise, for loving me, and for blessing me so incredibly.

One Last Missing Piece

Halie woke up today, and the first thing she asked was if she could call Grandma and Jasmine. Then she said, "Maybe we should wait a little while so Grandma can drink her coffee." So cute!
We did get to talk to Grandma Nancy for quite a while today, and Halie did not want to get off of the phone. We had lots of tears when the call was done, and then more at bedtime. Part of me would give anything to know what is going on in her head, and then again, part of me knows it would absolutely break my heart!
She was asking a lot when Jasmine could come stay with us. It breaks my heart. We have tried telling her that we are waiting for the paper, waiting for our caseworker to say it is okay, waiting for God's timing...I really wish we had a solid answer. When Halie and Brice moved in with us, August 17th, we were sure that Jasmine would be following shortly. We never intended for them to be separated this long. It is so sad.
I will be making lots of phone calls tomorrow. When it starts to affect the kids, that's when I get upset. It's not just me being impatient, it's truly fighting for these kids. They are dealing with such loss already, and this just compounds it.
I am really struggling with whether this is God's timing or if I need to be a squeaky wheel. I just don't feel like patience is the answer right now.
We have been waiting to do so many things to celebrate our family growing, but we have had to go ahead with some of them for Halie and Brice's sake. This weekend we began redecorating the bedrooms. Since we did some room shuffling, we wanted to make each child feel some ownership over their rooms, so they each got to pick out some wall decorations and a special poster- Halie and Wren chose princesses, Chloe chose a cute kitten, Carter chose Iron Man, and Brice chose Toy Story. We will all be able to help Jasmine pick out her special decorations as soon as she gets here.

Another big event was buying new bikes for Halie and Brice. Although we have lots of bikes for the daycare kids to ride, our other kids do have their own special bikes, and I wanted the same for all the kids.

On Friday we had a big family "snuggle night" on the couch. We watched Camp Rock 2 on the Disney channel and Daddy bought the soundtrack at Wal-Mart, so we are all singing the songs constantly. It's funny because no matter where we are in the house or what we are all doing, someone is humming a line from one of the songs!
Halie and Brice are becoming computer experts. They always want to play games, and now they can get to their favorite websites and start games all by themselves. It's amazing how quickly kids pick up on how to do that! They also know where the volume buttons are, so we often have games blasting through the house. Why is it that the "volume up" button is found more easily than the "volume down" button?

We miss you Miss Jasmine! We are praying for you every night and thinking about you constantly!